|
Kobe Questionnaire
In a move that surprised some legal experts, prosecutors in Eagle, Colorado dropped sexual assault charges against Kobe Bryant this week, mere days before lawyers for both sides were slated to make their opening statements.
Though the case was not ultimately brought to trial, The Athletic Reporter has obtained the 82-item questionnaire that was given to prospective jurors last week. It is reprinted below in its entirety.
------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome, Prospective Juror. Please take a moment to answer the following questions.
1. Why do you think Kobe Bryant raped that girl?
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
2. Just kidding! Seriously, now: have you ever served on a jury before? (circle one)
YES
NO
3. Do you feel you would be able to serve objectively on a jury in a sexual assault case?
YES
NO
4. Do you feel you would be able to serve objectively on a jury for a case in which the defendant is a world famous athlete?
YES
NO
5. Have you ever heard of Kobe Bryant? (if "yes," please skip to Number 7. If "no," continue on to Number 6)
YES
NO
6. What are you, some kind of 'tard?
YES
NO
7. Be honest: it's Kobe's fault Shaq ended up in Miami, isn't it?
YES
NO
8. Would your team stand a much better chance to win the championship if Kobe ended up behind bars? (if "no," please skip to Number 10. If "yes," continue on to Number 9)
YES
NO
9. Hmm. Interesting.
YES
NO
10. Do you root for the Los Angeles Lakers? (if "no," please skip to Number 16. If "yes," continue on to Number 11)
YES
NO
11. But you don't know who to root for now that the Lakers are bad, do you, you front-running piece of crap?
YES
NO
12. I bet you rooted for the Cowboys in the 90s, too, didn't you?
YES
NO
13. And you've never even so much as set foot in the state of Texas, have you?
YES
NO
14. You probably owned a Bulls jersey during that same time, didn't you?
YES
NO
15. Have you even watched a single minute of a Chicago Bulls game since Jordan retired? How do you sleep at night? You sicken me.
YES
NO
16. Are you the illegitimate child of an NBA player?
YES
NO
NOT SURE
17. Have you ever borne the illegitimate child of an NBA player?
YES
NO
NOT SURE
18. Did O.J. do it? (if "yes," please skip to Number 22. If "no," continue on to Number 19)
YES
NO
19. Oh, so, you're, like, one of those people.
YES
NO
20. Like, one of those "Free Mumia" people.
YES
NO
21. You dirty hippie.
YES
NO
22. Do you think Kobe would have helped the Olympic team win the gold medal instead of embarrassing themselves?
YES
NO
23. Do you think that, say, Italy, to pick a country, could have thrown Kobe and, like, four gondoliers out there on the court and still and beaten that sorry excuse for a team that the USA threw together?
YES
NO
24. Do you think it would have killed Team USA to put a solid shooter on that team?
YES
NO
25. For instance, do you think Reggie Miller -- or even, like, Fred Hoiberg, for God's sake -- had more important things to do during August than represent the United States at the Olympics?
YES
NO
26. Washing their hair, doing their nails, stuff like that?
YES
NO
27. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
YES
NO
28. Have you ever been arrested?
YES
NO
29. Have you ever had a guy in a cop outfit come to your door, tell you you were under arrest, say you had "the right to remain... sexy," then do a striptease while your girlfriends laughed and squealed, and then you stuffed dollar bills into his g-string, because it was your bachelorette party?
YES
NO
30. Do any of your friends or family members play professional sports, or have any of your friends or family members ever played professional sports? (if "yes," please skip to Number 32. If "no," continue on to Number 31)
YES
NO
31. Have any of them played for the Clippers?
YES
NO
RIMSHOT
32. Do you think NBA players should go back to shooting free throws "granny" style?
YES
NO
33. That would be awesome.
YES
NO
34. Have you ever practiced law?
YES
NO
35. Have you ever been to law school?
YES
NO
36. Have you ever taken any courses in law, law enforcement or criminology?
YES
NO
37. Have you ever watched "L.A. Law?"
YES
NO
38. Have you ever watched "Night Court?"
YES
NO
39. "The Shaggy D.A.?"
YES
NO
40. That episode of "Three Stooges" where they play lawyers?
YES
NO
41. "A Few Good Men?" (if "no," please skip to Number 44. If "yes," continue on to Number 42)
YES
NO
42. You understand that, if you get on the jury, it's not going to be like that, right? (if "yes," please skip to Number 44. If "no," continue on to Number 43)
YES
NO
43. Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson thundering back and forth at each other, all dramatic; you understand that stuff doesn't really happen?
YES
NO
44. Have you ever been involved in a lawsuit of any kind?
YES
NO
45. Have you ever been the plaintiff in a lawsuit?
YES
NO
46. Are you that old lady who sued McDonald's because their coffee was too hot? (if "no," please skip to Number 48. If "yes," continue on to Number 47)
YES
NO
47. You stupid cow.
YES
NO
48. Have you discussed the Kobe Bryant case with anyone?
YES
NO
49. Have you watched or listened to others discuss this case on television or on the radio?
YES
NO
50. Are you a regular sports talk radio listener?
YES
NO
51. Isn't Jim Rome a great big homo?
YES
NO
52. Can you believe people actually listen to that crap?
YES
NO
53. Do you realize that Kobe Bryant's middle name is "Bean?"
YES
NO
54. Does that alone make you want to find him guilty? (if "no," please skip to Number 56. If "yes," continue on to Number 55)
YES
NO
55. Yeah, us too.
YES
NO
56. Do you know the identity of Kobe Bryant's accuser? (if "no," please skip to Number 61. If "yes," continue on to Number 57)
YES
NO
57. Were you one of the other five or six dudes she also slept with the day the alleged incident with Kobe Bryant occurred? (if "no," please skip to Number 61. If "yes," continue on to Number 58)
YES
NO
58. Are you as rich as Kobe Bryant? (if "yes," please skip to Number 61. If "no," continue on to Number 59)
YES
NO
59. So, you're not as rich as Kobe Bryant, but, you did sleep with the alleged victim. And, is she charging YOU with a crime? And is she going bring civil charges and try to get a bunch of money out of YOU? (if "yes, please skip to Number 61. If "no," continue on to number 60)
YES
NO
60. She's not? Interesting.
YES
NO
61. Have you ever seen or read an interview with Kobe Bryant on television, on the radio, in the newspaper or in a magazine?
YES
NO
62. Did you ever see that episode of "Moesha" he was on that one time?
YES
NO
63. How about that episode of "Arli$$" he was on? (if "no," please skip to Number 67. If "yes," continue on to Number 64)
YES
NO
64. You watch "Arli$$?" (if "no," please skip to Number 67. If "yes," continue on to Number 65)
YES
NO
65. Are you, like, Robert Wuhl's mom? (if "no," please skip to Number 67. If "yes," continue on to Number 66)
YES
NO
66. Then why would you ever watch "Arli$$?"
YES
NO
67. Did you ever see that movie where Li'l Bow Wow finds those magic sneakers, and when he puts them on he gets really good at basketball, and he plays in the NBA?
YES
NO
68. That couldn't really happen, could it?
YES
NO
69. Did you see ever see "Hoosiers?"
YES
NO
70. Did you cry when Shooter finally sobers up and has to coach the team after Coach Dale gets kicked out of the game, and they run the ol' picket fence at 'em? (if "yes," please skip to Number 74. If "no," continue on to Number 71)
YES
NO
71. It's okay if you did.
YES
NO
72. How about when Ollie makes those two free throws? That had to get you. (if "yes," please skip to Number 74. If "no," continue on to Number 73)
YES
NO
73. No? Wow. I wonder what it's like to have a sucking, gaseous void where your soul ought to be.
YES
NO
74. Would your financial situation preclude you from serving on a trial that could last from six to eight weeks or more? (if "yes," please skip to Number 77. If "no," continue on to Number 75)
YES
NO
75. So, you've got plenty of money then? (if "yes," please skip to Number 77. If "no," continue on to Number 76)
YES
NO
76. Can we borrow some (you may have heard that this whole thing is shaping up to be a little bit more expensive than we thought)?
YES
NO
77. Do you think Kobe was just trying to "keep it real?" (if "yes," please skip to Number 80. If "no," continue on to Number 78)
YES
NO
78. Do you know what "keeping it real" means? (if "no," please skip to Number 80. If "no," continue on to Number 79)
YES
NO
79. Do you think maybe you're not watching enough "Chappelle's Show?"
YES
NO
80. So, do you think we have a prayer of winning this thing?
YES
NO
81. Do you suppose we should just drop it?
YES
NO
82. We're sorry if this entire thing has turned out to be a waste of everyone's time, in addition to a grim reminder -- as if we needed one -- of how money inevitably perverts the United States legal system. Has it?
YES
|
