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2004 Baseball Preview (In Rhyme!)
The Madness that is March subsides, and April brings our pastime...
Here's how I think it's going to go (I got a few right last time).
The Braves have made the playoffs since, I think, the Civil War,
Great pitchers come and go as though through a revolving door.
But no more Maddux, no more Glavine, Smoltz is no spring chicken;
The N.L. East no longer will be quite such easy pickins.
The Phillies look so good I've got no choice, I have to choose them.
They've got so many pitchers that they don't know where to use them.
Their offensive production is quite certain to increase
Unless Pat Burrell keeps on hitting like he's long deceased.
Defending world champs, the Marlins, drew some parallels
Last season to the '02 Angles (faring just as well).
But, like the '03 Halos, they'll be home come playoff action;
Fish fans won't care, still basking in last autumn's satisfaction.
From Montreal to San Juan, Expos fans want Vlad Guerrero back.
This team spends more time on the road than did the late Jack Kerouac.
The Mets... well, write your own joke here. It's really way too easy.
Like eating month-old sushi, watching these guys makes me queasy.
The N.L. Central: two contending teams and four no-chancers.
The Astros have one question and two highly paid new answers.
Can Dotel close? Who cares, 'cause they've got Andy now, and Roger
(The postwar era's best who wasn't Jewish and a Dodger).
Chicago, only five more outs to go, and then came Bartman.
Cub fans must hate that guy way more than Kyle and Stan hate Cartman.
The Cubs did get Greg Maddux back, though he's now eighty-six.
They might just win the Wild Card; yeah, in fact, they'll be my pick.
The Cardinals' Albert Pujols, can this guy get any better?
He's like a cross between Stan Musial, God, and Eddie Vedder.
But baseball's not a one man game, and no one else here scares me;
A third place finish out of six this season, then, will theirs be.
The Reds will still be losers, Griffey still will whine and bitch.
Oh, look, he pulled a hammy now, just flicking on a light switch.
The Pittsburgh Pirates, bless their hearts, they try so gosh dang hard,
But why can't they sign players; taxes paid for their new yard?
Hey, speaking of; the Brewers, ol' Bud Selig's favorite team.
Do they have any chance? No? Good. Some justice, it would seem.
Out west the BALCO Giants might have one or two distractions,
Though Barry's home run blasts and big huge skull remain attractions.
Unless somebody else steps up, though, Frisco makes the playoffs,
But not until Bonds' lawyers give some juries massive payoffs.
The galaxy's best ballpark now belongs to San Diego,
At least that's what I hear; I'll have to see los Padres juego.
Postseason prospects? Well, I think a miracle from heaven
Might help this team, but so will a much healthier Phil Nevin.
And what about those Diamondbacks? Will they be any good?
They might be if Big Unit bounces back; I think he could.
The Rockies? Well, they're boring, and I know, 'cause people revel
Not in anything about them save their distance from sea level.
And no one likes the Dodgers this year, though they've got new owners.
No hitters, though; they swing the bats like they're a bunch of stoners.
And that's how things shake down this season in the senior circuit,
Now here's my A.L. preview. Just you watch the way I work it.
For years, the East: Yanks, Sox, Jays, O's and Rays in that same order;
Two playoff teams, two laughingstocks, and one north of the border.
Though everyone improved this winter, I don't think we'll see
A shake-up in these standings until Twenty Eighty-Three.
The Boss bought A. Rod, Sheffield, Brown and only lost the Rocket
And Andy Pettitte, who Clemens carries 'round in his back pocket.
If they don't win the Series I'll consider it a blessing,
Then laugh as hard as I don't at any shows with Debra Messing.
The Red Sox? Baseball's Sisyphus. The Yankees? Giant boulder.
Did you hear New York got A. Rod? Oh, and Pedro's getting older.
We all would like to see the Sox take home the Series crown;
But just as likely: Pro Bowl spot next year for Cade McNown.
The Blue Jays changed the logo on their cap; 'twas way past time,
Could that be all they need to win (it worked for Anaheim)?
The O's signed guys much older than a '66 Camaro,
Tejada, Lopez, famous boner pill spokesman Palmeiro.
The Devil Rays have good young guys, but still play awfully cruddy;
How long until Piniella just goes nuts and shoots somebody?
The A.L. Central; um... why bother? No one's any good.
They'd give that playoff spot away to Boston if they could.
The twice-defending first place team, the Minnesota Twins
Don't have much competition so they'll take this one again.
The absence of Pierzynski, then, is unlikely to sour
Those snowbound folks who'll pin their hopes on top draft pick Joe Mauer.
The Royals, last year's wunderkinds, can they repeat their showing?
Reviews of Tony Peņa's work: unanimously glowing.
For quite some years before the last K.C. has been displeasin',
For that to change, Mike Sweeney needs an MVP-type season.
The Indians don't have a prayer, and don't have any money,
And if I weren't a Twins fan, would I still think that was funny?
The denizens of Motown ask, "Will Pudge be our Messiah,
Or, much like Juan Gonzalez was, a half-assing pariah?"
And if it seems that I forgot to talk about the White Sox,
That's only 'cause I hate them, and I wish upon them smallpox.
The A's lost one more MVP; they're hoping their new rookie
Bobby Crosby's gonna fill his shoes. Yeah, right, and I'm a Wookie.
But they've still got those great young arms, and don't think I don't know it.
They'll win the A.L. West, lead their Division Series, blow it.
The Angels were the talk of La La Land this hot stove season,
And many think they'll win; Colon and Vladimir the reason.
But they used all their karma in that '02 playoff run;
They might hang on 'til late July, but after that, they're done.
The Mariners have been so good but not quite good enough,
The A's and Angels both, I think, will showcase better stuff.
And I can't name one Texas Ranger (not for lack of trying),
So if I cheered for that team you can bet that I'd be crying.
And what about the playoffs? Well, I'll tell you what I think.
The Yanks will beat the Twins again; the A's, of course, will stink.
So Yankees-Red Sox II we'll get, and it'll be a corker,
But the only fan left happy will be one who's a New Yorker.
The Phillies beat the Cubs, the Astros take apart the Giants
(with Barry's lawyers now freed up to take on other clients),
Then Andy, Roger and the boys reach Houston's first World Series,
They face their former team, the Yanks, and everybody wearies
Of the hype, so overblown that you can't possibly stay sober.
You want to know who wins? Check back with me in late October.
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