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Dream Jobbed
ESPN's new reality series "Dream Job" is, I feel confident in saying after watching one episode, lousy. And not just because I'm not on it.
Yes, I, along with thousands and thousands of others, tried out for the show some months ago. They didn't call. They didn't write.
I blew the important question, that's what it is.
After we waited in line for maybe an hour or two, contestants were ushered en masse into Yankee Doodles, a Santa Monica sports bar with good food, many large TVs and the most consistently awful service I've had anywhere (except for you, Allison. Call me).
We were given a 35-40 question general knowledge sports quiz, on which I did quite well. Top 25%, I'm sure, which, with the kind of crowd these auditions drew, was very satisfying (I actually remembered the name of the Vancouver Canucks player who Marty McSorley hit in the head with his stick a few years ago and got in all sorts of trouble).
(Donald Brashear)
Then, they herded us downstairs, where we crowded nine or ten each around one of the many pool tables in the large basement. Each table was "hosted" by an ESPN staffer and a sports figure; ours was football reporter Andrea Kremer. They chatted a little bit with each of us, and then just started up an informal, round-table-style discussion about sports. Somewhere along the line, broadcaster cliches were mentioned.
"What's the most overused cliche?" Andrea Kremer asked.
"I think the most overused phrase is calling someone the 'most underrated player,'" I said. Not bad, I thought.
"So, who is the most underrated player?" she asked me.
Ooo, Andrea, you saucy minx. If I had been quick on my feet there, things might have been different. Probably not. But they might have been.
I stammered a little (not much, but a little) before spitting out Michael Bennett, which was lame, because I'd just been talking about how the Vikings and Twins were my favorite teams, and choosing a Viking wasn't the way to go. Made me look like I didn't know that much about sports outside of the small sphere of franchises I supported. Although, in my defense, the argument for Michael Bennett as most underrated player could be made; he's the NFL's fastest player, if he stays healthy he's bound to make everyone forget about Robert Smith (both the retired Vikings running back and the lead singer of The Cure), he's a threat to break a long run every time he touches the ball, and no one ever talks about him.
I should have said Garret Anderson of the Angels, or course, and followed it up with the (quite astute) analysis that if he puts together five or six more seasons that compare to his last few (a distinct possibility), he'll retire with Hall of Fame numbers. And no one even knows who he is.
[in fact, so little is said about him that if you misspell his name in a Google search as "Garrett Anderson," it doesn't even say "did you mean 'Garret Anderson'?"]
That would have been good.
But, I didn't say Garret Anderson.
And I didn't hear back from ESPN.
I can't say I was completely surprised; they ushered us through pretty quickly, and since I'm sure that 85% of the applicants fit squarely in the "Average-Looking Young White Guy" template, it's not hard to believe I didn't stick in their mind.
But the people who did?
No. Bad. Wrong.
For those of you who don't know, "Dream Job" is ESPN's version of "American Idol;" you could call it "Who Wants To Be a 'SportsCenter' Anchor?" Twelve contestants compete in what will undoubtedly be an increasingly difficult-to-watch series of challenges, one is eliminated each week (or, since there are only six episodes, multiple eliminations in episodes to come wouldn't surprise me), and the ultimate winner wins his or her "dream job," namely, a one year contract to be an on air "SportsCenter" anchor.
Pretty big stuff... "American Idol" is one thing; there's no studio magic to be done with the "Dream Job" winner. You won't be able to "sell" him if he turns out not to be any good. He's going to be out there on live TV night after potentially excruciating night, and if he stinks, ESPN is sort of screwed.
As reality shows go, it's really a cousin of MTV's "Tough Enough," in which the two winners received one year contracts from the WWE. The show's first winners, Maven and Nidia, are still with the company, making their livings as professional wrestlers even now, over two years later. I even saw a Maven action figure at Target the other day. In "Dream Job," as on "Tough Enough" and to a slightly lesser extent "American Idol," you don't just win a prize, you win an entire career.
Six contestants competed in the first show. Their task? Take thirty minutes (not shown) to write on-camera intros to two highlight packages, then introduce and narrate the highlights live on the air. Everyone was nervous, which is to be expected. Not a single one of these people, whom ESPN selected as the best and brightest of the countless thousands who tried out, made it through their own self-written intros without stumbling at least once.
Of the six contestants, one -- Michael Quigley -- was terrible. An absolute train wreck. He did play-by-play of the highlights instead of narrating them, he fumbled his words at least once in every sentence he spoke, and, at the end of the show, when contestants were given one last chance to appeal to the show's judges, couldn't get two words out without having to collect himself and start over.
He wasn't cut, of course. Much like in "American Idol," they're not really looking for the 12 best people. As long as the final two or three are serviceable potential winners, all they're worried about is casting their TV show, not finding the nation's most talented people. And people love to root for the underdog, so "Quigs" will be back next week.
Three of the contestants were fine. Nick Stevens was doing open mike night at the Chuckle Hut, but he was good. Aaron Levine was only 21, but he was clearly the best of the night. But he's only 21, he's not going to win. Maggie Haskins, a Chicago native and a student at Brown, sounded a bit too much like an Ivy Leaguer but was very solid, and should feel free to marry me.
(actually, I love my wife very much, and enjoy being the relative sports expert in the house. I would miss her doing her crossword puzzles, asking me things like, "letters on a Cardinals cap?" To be quite honest, Maggie would be perfect for Athletic Reporter co-creator and Photoshop whiz Jameson Simmons. Maggie: e-mail him. Neither of you will be sorry)
Mike Hall and Chris Williams were forgettable, and, at the end of the show, Chris Williams was forgotten.
The problem with "Dream Job" is that the show is just this side of unwatchable. Stuart Scott is the host, and I didn't care for him. I don't mind him on "SportsCenter," but his schtick got to me for whatever reason. There's maybe 15 minutes of content, stretched out (in the first episode, at least) to 75 minutes. And the panel of judges is downright unnecessary. Tony Kornheiser is great on "Pardon the Interruption," and he's fine here, but who cares? He's not an anchor. Someone named "Kit," who evidently used to be on "Road Rules" and is now on ESPN2's abominable morning show "Cold Pizza," is really just there to sit and look pretty. LaVar Arrington is a sharp guy and a great linebacker, but, does anyone care what he thinks about these contestants? Only Al Jaffe, ESPN's Vice President of Talent, really needs to be there.
Also, since there's no Simon Cowell figure as on "American Idol," no designated mean judge, nobody wants to say anything bad for fear of sounding like a prick. The other "American Idol" judges feel free to evaluate terrible performances with fierce honesty, because they know Simon will be even worse. Not the "Dream Job" guys. When Michael Quigley finished up, no one was willing to say "you're clearly wasting your time and ours by being here. You have absolutely no chance of winning," which would have been the honest to God truth.
All of which leads us to the unavoidable conclusion that "Dream Job," for which I had high hopes, is a lousy show.
Will I still watch? Of course.
Will I like it?
I make no promises.
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