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Maybe It's Just Me
I was never that big a fan of "Bull Durham." Some of the baseball stuff is darn good, of course, but I never bought into the love triangle between Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Kevin Costner.
I only bring this up because "Bull Durham" was twice named the "Best Sports Movie Ever," once last summer by ESPN.com's Page 2, and recently by Sports Illustrated magazine. Now, that's some good evidence that "Bull Durham" is CONSIDERED to be a great movie, but, is it ACTUALLY a great movie?
Who knows. I don't like it as much as most people; maybe it's just me. I don't like Hitchcock, and enough people do to where I'm pretty sure they're "right" and I'm "wrong." I don't know if anything will come out of watching "Bull Durham" again, and I don't know if I'll be able to articulate just why I don't like it all that much (relative to the greats, I mean. Relative to "Hoosiers," say, or "Eight Men Out." Compared to just your average movie, "Bull Durham" stands out, I suppose). I do know two things:
1) Watching "Bull Durham" and keeping a running diary (a devise I ripped off from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons) is a cheap and non-time-sensitive column idea that I can write early and put up later, while I'm on my honeymoon, and
2) Neither the ESPN or Sports Illustrated lists included "The Karate Kid." And, if you're doing a sports movie list that doesn't include "The Karate Kid," well, then, you're not really doing a sports movie list. So the fact that they agreed on "Bull Durham" doesn't impress me. Because, really, they were even more wrong for leaving off "The Karate Kid" than they were for putting "Bull Durham" at the top.
But I digress.
Here we go. "Bull Durham."
8:00pm - "Play."
Incidentally, it was pointed out to The Average Mulder by www.onebee.com and The Athletic Reporter webpage guru Jameson Simmons that the title, "Bull Durham," which I had complained made no sense, may in fact be a play on the term "bullshit." Such things ARE done, after all. Bull corn, bull roar, "bull honkey" (which I think I only remember because Mike Santjer said it, circa 1985, at a church picnic, and it got captured on video by my dad -- or my mom, whoever had the camera -- and it's on the tape right before the water balloon toss sequence, which I've watched dozens and dozens of times because a) my dad and I made it as far into the water balloon toss as any of the other teams, which is still cool to see, and b) Roger Groen [Chris Groen's dad; you don't know him] catches a water balloon that absolutely explodes in his hands, and he just stands there, staring at his hands, unfazed and unmoving, as the crowd bursts into the kind of spontaneous uproar of good, clean, wholesome laughter that you really can only find at a Minnesota family church picnic. You know, I live in Santa Monica, and I love, love, LOVE it. I love it so much that most of the time, I don't miss living in small-town Minnesota. Once in a while, though, I really, really do).
Anyway.
8:01 pm - Credits. Nice old baseball photos. Hey, Fernando! He comes up later. Eddie Gaedel. Babe Ruth. Nice iconography.
8:02 pm - Susan Sarandon's opening monologue. I just don't like her character. That's obviously one of the main reasons why I'm not as wild about this movie as some people.
8:03 pm - The minor league stadium. Max Patkin ("The Clown Prince of Baseball"). Robert Wuhl. Wow. "Good Morning, Vietnam," this, "Batman;" that was quite a run. It was going so well for Robert Wuhl. What happened? Even if "Arli$$" had never happened, we could still be asking: Robert Wuhl... what happened?
8:04 pm - Hey, there's Tim Robbins' butt!
8:06 pm - Susan Sarandon, in the stands, lectures Millie the Slut, with whom Tim Robbins was just having sex. Thanks, Susan. Go away.
8:08 pm - Millie the Slut to Sarandon, about Robbins: "Well, he f---s like he pitches. Kinda... all over the place." So, baseball's a metaphor for life, sex is a metaphor for baseball, life is a metaphor for sexy baseball... I'm sure it's in there somewhere. Man, I miss "Field of Dreams" already.
8:09 pm - Costner. "I'm the player to be named later." Ha. I love his character. The whole "old, dedicated pro who didn't quite have all the tools mentors young, naturally talented stud while all the while being insanely jealous of the kid, and thinking about how unfair it is that the kid got these skills instead of him, a guy who could really put them to their most effective use because he's so wise" angle really works in this movie. Very "Amadeus." The whole Costner/Sarandon/Robbins love triangle? No.
It's like, "Hoosiers" would be this movie if you took out a half hour of basketball stuff and put in a half hour of Hackman and Hershey hemming and hawing about their budding romance. Which isn't an entirely apt comparison, since in "Hoosiers" the romance is just tacked on and useless and unnecessary, where in "Bull Durham" it's as much a part of the movie as the baseball, but, still. I love parts of "Bull Durham;" there's forty-five minutes of a classic baseball movie in here.
Robert Wuhl is deflating a promotional, inflatable plastic pack of Oscar Meyer wieners as Costner makes his entrance, by the way. Now THAT'S funny.
8:10 pm - Okay. We're in Single A. I wasn't actually sure.
8:11 pm - Here's the deal, Costner: you're too old, but you can help the young kid out for us, and it'll earn you another year in pro ball, which you know you're not ready to give up. Costner's reaction: "Well, f--- this f---ing game!" But you can tell he doesn't mean it. Boy, that sounds like a good movie. I wish that was the one they'd made.
8:12 pm - Robbins talking to reporters. He's a complete head case. Check.
And, now we're in a bar. There's Millie the Slut. There's Sarandon. It probably doesn't help that I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. Not even when she's in her underwear in "Rocky Horror." Sorry. The heart wants what it wants. Nothing against her, personally.
8:14 pm - The love triangle begins, pretty unconvincingly. Costner gets in Robbins' face after he asks Sarandon to dance. Whatever.
8:15 pm - Outside the bar, instead of fighting, Costner goads Robbins into throwing a baseball at him, which of course misses by a lot. Then he punches Robbins, then introduces himself to him. Other than the "why in the world does Costner have a baseball in his pocket when he's out at a bar" factor, what a great scene.
8:18 pm - At Sarandon's place, she lays down the "ground rules." She hooks up with one guy per season, etc., blah blah blah, pseudo-intellectual BS. Costner doesn't fall for it. Good move, Costner! Here's his "I believe in..." speech. Good speech. Now, run, Costner, and don't look back! I never quite bought Costner falling for her, by the way, which is part of the problem, I guess. I don't know.
I'll tell you one thing: when a lot of women like a sports movie, that's not necessarily a good sign. And I know I'm a sexist, chauvinist, blah blah blah shut up. Women and men tend to like different kinds of movies. Deal with it. My wife wouldn't want to watch "Major League," that's the way it is, and that's the way I like it.
(speaking of: when I went to the video store and asked if they had "Bull Durham," this woman who was standing right by me said, "oh, great movie." I'm proud to say that I successfully fought the urge to respond in the exact same manner as Chief Wiggum did when the Simpsons' houseboat ran ashore just as Sideshow Bob was going to run Bart through with a sword, and then the houseboat hit a bunch of rocks, and then the sword went flying, and then you heard guns being cocked, and then Sideshow Bob turned around to see the entire Springfield police force standing there, and then Wiggum said, "We've got you now, Sideshow Bob," and Sideshow Bob cried out "By Lucifer's beard!", and then Wiggum says exactly what I would have said to the "Bull Durham" lady: "Ah... yeah.")
8:24 pm - Sarandon reads Robbins poetry while he's tied up in bed. Whatever.
8:25 pm - Back in the clubhouse. Hey, making fun of the religious guy! That's always good for a laugh. People who believe in stuff are such morons.
At least he stays a nice guy throughout the entire movie. I can't be too hard on "Bull Durham" for its treatment of that character, actually.
Meanwhile, Robbins has a new nickname. He's now "Nuke" LaLoosh.
8:26 pm - Costner to Robbins: "If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're 'colorful.' Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you're a slob." Boy, I do like the baseball stuff in this movie. It think that's just it. Maybe people remember all the good baseball stuff, the quotable scenes and all (which are among the best ever, I guess), and maybe they forget about stuff like how the last twenty minutes of this movie just blow. I mean, absolutely blow.
Maybe. One man's opinion. Anyway...
8:27pm - See, here. We have Costner's inner monologue over the course of an entire at bat. It's not as if I can't see why people would be tempted to think this is a really good movie.
8:30 pm - I feel I can say, without boasting, that in the summer of 1992, I may have been one of the top 3,000 14-year-old catchers in America. I tell you this because this point in the movie is the Costner/Sarandon batting cage scene, and I just don't care. Sarandon: "Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous." Whatever, Sarandon. Be quiet. Not because you're a woman (I don't want to sound like that guy). Because you're an annoying person.
I really need to pace myself, by the way. We're only a half-hour into the movie.
8:34 pm - Is that Flatch from "Hoosiers?" Hmmm, probably not. I'll definitely check, though.
8:35 pm - Costner and Robbins' first in-game conversation. 35 minutes in. Hey, remember when this is what the movie was going to be about?
8:37 pm - You know, Tim Robbins, who I really like, isn't all that good in this.
8:40 pm - "You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers!"
8:41 pm - I think that IS Flatch from "Hoosiers."
8:44 pm - The team is on the bus. You know, Costner's line readings aren't wooden; he actually talks that way. I've seen him. On interviews, and stuff.
8:45 pm - Costner describes his 21 days in The Show. Great stuff.
8:48 pm - Nice acid-washed jeans, shirt tucked in and no belt, Danny Gans. Oh, the 80s.
8:49 pm - In the middle of the night, Costner turns on the sprinklers, gets the boys a rainout. They slide around on the wet infield dirt. Looks like fun, but are minor league ballplayers on a road trip really going to do that, considering the laundry ramifications? Maybe.
8:54 pm - Robbins pitches to Millie the Slut in the backyard. Sarandon advises him. Yawn (that's where she brings up Fernando, incidentally. She says he breathes out of his eyelids because he's a Mayan Indian. Or an Aztec, she doesn't know).
8:59 pm - There's a sign in the stands, wrongfully apostrophed, that says, "Player's Wives." Nice touch.
9:00 pm - "Hit the mascot." Funny. Not as funny as it's given credit for being, but, funny.
9:03 pm - Yeah. "The Bulls are winning now, but Sarandon's lonely" montage, set to John Fogarty's "Centerfield." Sarandon's voice-over pretty much kills it. We see the Bulls doing well, we see Sarandon sitting alone, looking lonely. I probably could have figured out that the Bulls were doing well and that Sarandon was lonely without the VO, thanks. I mean, when Daniel LaRusso was making his way through the All Valley Under 18 Karate Championship to the strains of "You're The Best... Around... Nothing's Gonna Ever Keep You Down!", did we need a voice-over? When Jimmy Chitwood came back and the Hickory Huskers stared beating everybody to the sounds of that cheesy, synthesized 80s score, did we need a voice-over? NO!
9:11 pm - Sarandon mentions to Costner that she teaches part-time at a junior college. That's probably about right.
9:13 pm - Robbins is nervous because his dad's at the game. Costner tells him not to worry: "Hey, he's just your old man, he's as full of shit as anybody." Wow. Now THAT'S a good line of dialogue.
9:14 pm - The confab on the mound ends with Wuhl suggesting wedding gifts. Another one of those scenes that people selectively remember when making the assertion that this is a top-tier sports movie. Really, "Tin Cup" was better than this.
9:17 pm - Costner gets thrown out of the game for calling the umpire that certain word you can't call an umpire. Man, the baseball stuff in this movie is good. I know keep saying that, but, it's true.
9:19 pm - "Nuke" LaLoosh gets called up to the majors. After what couldn't have been much better than a sub-.500 season in Single A. Okay, maybe, I guess. Must be September.
9:22 pm - Sarandon: "Good bye." Robbins: "Good bye." That took three minutes.
9:23 pm - Robbins tells drunk Costner he's going to the majors. They fight in the pool hall. Amazing scene. Costner's "the difference between hitting .250 and .300" speech. Costner: "I got brains, but you got talent." Robbins punches him (with his non-pitching hand, because he's learned a little from Costner).
9:26 pm - A good Costner/Robbins good bye in the Bulls locker room.
9:29 pm - Costner gets let go. Ah, the vagaries of minor league baseball.
Now, let's see. We can have Costner hook up with another team, break that all-time minor league home run record that he doesn't want anyone to know about, come back to Sarandon, and end on Nuke's cliche-ridden big league interview that Costner prepped him for earlier, we could do that in maybe three minutes, and we'd have a nice, tidy, slows-down-a-little-in-the-romantic-parts-but-makes-up-for-it-with-great-baseball-stuff movie. But that's not what happens.
9:33 pm - After wandering the streets of Durham for a while, Costner finally hooks up with Sarandon. Don't care.
9:34 pm - Doin' it.
9:37 pm - Still doin' it.
9:38 pm - Costner leaves, finishes out the season somewhere else.
9:40 pm - The Robbins interview we should have seen 15 minutes ago.
9:44 pm - Credits. You know, if you looked up "screeching halt" in the dictionary, you'd see the last twenty minutes of "Bull Durham."
And maybe that's my problem. Are there any scenes (other than the few seconds where Hershey and Hackman kiss) in "Hoosiers" that you have to fast-forward through? In "Major League"? In "Jerry Maguire"? How can you call something the best sports movie -- or the best any kind of movie, for that matter -- when a nice big chunk of it is completely unwatchable?
Of course, some people might think that the last 15-20 minutes of "Bull Durham" aren't unwatchable. Those people are entitled to their opinion.
Those people are wrong.
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