September 12, 2005 Issue 127
	Previous Issues Issue 127 September 12, 2005 Patriots Begin Another Joyless, Inevitable Super Bowl Campaign Barry Bonds To Return; Pedro Gomez Taken Out of Cryogenic Storage Roger Federer Injects Testicle With Cancer in Desperate Bid For Stateside Media Coverage Twins Fan Starting To Think It Might Actually Be the White Sox's Year Issue 126 August 29, 2005 Bob Geldof Organizes Worldwide Concert to Get Roger Clemens Some Run Support "Yep, You Got Me! I Hate Black People," Admits Jeff Kent Fantasy Football Player No Longer Fooling Self Into Thinking He Isn't a Nerd Issue 125 August 22, 2005 Brady, Moss Revelations Inspire Other NFL Starts to Come Clean Roger Federer Decides To Start Playing Left-Handed Stephen King Named Red Sox Closer Jim Rome Every Bit As Annoying With the Sound Off Issue 124 August 15, 2005 T.O., Andy Reid Reportedly No Longer BFFs Phil Mickelson Finally Sheds Dubious "Best Player Never to Win Two Majors" Label Image of Dale Earnhardt Appears in Oil Stain on Garage Floor Issue 123 August 8, 2005 Rafael Palmeiro Finally Getting National Media Coverage Nick Saban Keeps Harshing Ricky Williams' Buzz CDC Goes On Record Opposing NBA All-Star Game in Las Vegas X-Games Star Buys Mom a New House, Moves Into Basement Issue 122 July 25, 2005 Bush Sidesteps Potential Confirmation Fight By Nominating Lance Armstrong to Supreme Court Sports Columnist Incinerated By Lightning Blast After Criticizing Brett Favre Weight Bench Sits Neglected For Ninth Straight Week Eight-Year-Old Denies Twisting Ankle, Refuses To Admit Dad Was Right About Not Pitching Like Dontrelle Willis Issue 121 July 18, 2005 Bumper Sticker Depicting Calvin Peeing on Jack Nicklaus Spotted on Tiger's Car News of NHL Agreement Reminds Sports Fan That NHL Was Gone Sean Penn Shows Up at ESPYs, Gives Sanctimonious Speech, Bums Everybody Out USC Alum Outraged That USC Mini-Helmet Not Among Those Available In SkyMall Catalog Issue 120 July 11, 2005 2012 London Olympics Drop Baseball and Softball, Add "Racial Profiling" Palmeiro Set To Join Eddie Murray as the Only Two 3,000 Hit/500 Home Run Guys That Your Mom Hasn't Heard Of Nike Rolls Out New "Kobe: He's Not as Bad as Michael Jackson" Ad Campaign Vikings Fan Feels Really, Really Bad About Being Kind of Glad Hank Stram Finally Died Issue 119 July 4, 2005 Michael Vick Given Separate Drinking Fountain at NFL Quarterback Club Kenny Rogers Claims He Was Just Upset Cameraman Wasn't Getting His "Good Side" Shawn Bradley to Retire, Bucks Draft Andrew Bogut to Fill the Void Issue 118 June 27, 2005 Spurs Win NBA Title After Commissioner Mandates That Somebody Has To Nation's Media Contemplate Right Time to Start Sexualizing Michelle Wie Existence of Washington Nationals Explained to Girlfriend Golfer's Mom Considers Son "Notable," No Matter What ESPNews Says Issue 117 June 20, 2005 Jackson Returns as Lakers Head Coach Tiger Woods' Major Championship Drought Continues Dodgers GM DePodesta To Try "Moneysurgery" Approach on Gagne's Elbow Guy's Buddies Dare Him To Give Evander Holyfield Crap About "Dancing with the Stars" Issue 116 June 6, 2005 Some Guy You've Never Heard Of Wins Sixth Consecutive French Open Shaq Offers To Pay For Kobe's Funeral Fantasy Baseball Owner "Calls Out" Under-Performing Team NASCAR Fan Pretty Sure He Could Wipe That Smirk Off Tony Stewart's Face Issue 115 May 30, 2005 Media Embarrassed To Admit It Has No Idea Who Actually Won Indy 500 A-Rod To Reveal He Also Cries During Beaches, Wets Bed French Open Participant Didn't Realize He'd Be Getting That Red Crap All Over Him Rec League Softball Team Apparently Willing To Win That Way Issue 114 May 23, 2005 Afleet Alex Roughs Up Randy Johnson and Yankees as Interspecies Play Resumes Shaquille O'Neal Revealed To Be Perfectly Healthy, Faking Injury So He Can Stand In Line For "Star Wars" Author Michael Lewis Scraps Plans For Moneyball Sequel Uncle Regrets Boasting About How Good He Is At Volleyball Issue 113 May 16, 2005 MLB Investigation Determines That Barry Bonds Has Inherited the "Curse of the Bambino" Annika Sorenstam Wins Tournament She Completely Forgot She Entered People Who Say "Junior Griffey" Still Annoying To Baseball Fan Miami Heat Team Plane Crashes Under Weight of Shaquille O'Neal's "Original Whizzinator" Issue 112 May 9, 2005 Steinbrenner Has Kevin Brown Turned Into Glue, Bellamy Road Sent to Minors in Embarrassing Clerical Mixup Al-Qaeda Scraps Plans To Attack Pacers - Pistons Series; "We're Scared What Might Happen," Say Terrorists Baseball Introduces Clarified, Latin-Friendly Anti-Steroid Campaign Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton Protest NBA MVP Voting Issue 111 May 2, 2005 A-Rod Burns Atlanta to the Ground in an Effort to Prove He's a "True Yankee" Lou Piniella Killed in Drive-By Beanballing as Red Sox-Devil Rays Feud Escalates Bulls Forward Andres Nocioni Arrested in Washington, DC for Threatening to Elbow the President NASCAR Fan Puts Restrictor Plate on Teenage Daughter Issue 110 April 25, 2005 No. 2 Draft Pick Ronnie Brown Unmasked, Revealed to be Ryan Leaf Cardinals Elect Albert Pujols as New Pope Mark Cuban Adds Himself to Mavericks Playoff Roster Entire University of North Carolina Student Body Declares for NBA Draft Issue 109 April 18, 2005 Gary Sheffield to Fight William Ligue on Pay-Per-View Vladimir Guerrero's Batting Helmet Found to be Nothing More Than a Solid Wad of Pine Tar Mock Draft Mocked Dick Bavetta, Eric Gregg, Phil Luckett Assigned To Work Last Two Cavaliers Games Issue 108 April 11, 2005 Tiger Woods Barely Wins The Masters Philadelphia Fans Unanimously Agree: Even We'd Never Boo Mariano Rivera Asshole From 8th Grade Digs Bulls Jersey Out of Storage Redskins QB Tim Hasselbeck Now Third Most Famous Person In His Immediate Family Issue 107 April 5, 2005 Michael Jordan Unretires Yet Again, Leads North Carolina to National Championship Congress, Major League Baseball Admit Steroid Scandal Was Huge April Fools Prank Basketball Fan Peed Right Next To at Wide-Open Bank of Urinals Exhaustive Search Turns Up Gutsy Colorado High School Athlete Not Yet Profiled by Rick Reilly Issue 106 March 29, 2005 Barry Bonds Hires Violinist to Follow Him Around and Play Sad Music Michigan State Deprives Nation's Basketball Fans of Weekend Full of Ashley Judd Cutaway Shots Jim Haslett's Steroid Allegations Shock Football Fans Too Young to Remember Lyle Alzado Sam Cassell Lands First-Ever Groupie Issue 105 March 21, 2005 Wisconsin-Milwaukee Players Disturb Coaches, Fans By Actually Dressing Like Cinderella Mark McGwire Refuses to Confirm, Deny Having Played For the Cardinals Basketball Fan's Girlfriend Loudly Clears Throat Every Time an NCAA Player's Wife is Shown in Stands Wounded Nation Vows Never Again to Pick Gonzaga for Final Four Issue 104 March 14, 2005 Guy Who Travels with Stanley Cup Suddenly Has to Find a Real Job Congress Subpoenas Roy Hobbs ESPN Granted Exclusive Use of Word "Bubble" Man Who Gave Away 1980 Olympic Hockey Tickets Finally Breaks Silence Issue 103 March 7, 2005 U.S. Government to Allow Profiling of People in Number 18 Oakland Raiders Jerseys Angels Name Change Works Completely as City of Los Angeles Abandons Dodgers Arizona Cardinals Staff Hard at Work Designing God-Awful New Uniforms Bubble Team Coach's Family Constantly Reassuring Him Team Belongs in Tournament Issue 102 March 1, 2005 New England Patriots Somehow Win Best Picture Oscar John Chaney Reacts to Suspension By Breaking Temple President's Arm Allen Iverson, LeBron James Swap Posses at Trading Deadline WWE Referee Becomes Distracted, Misses Blatant Rules Violations Issue 101 February 21, 2005 NASCAR Fans Can't Decide If Latest Daytona 500 Win Makes Jeff Gordon More of a Homo or Less of a Homo Mickey Morandini Retroactively Named 1998 National League MVP Gretzky, Lemieux Turn Attention to Uncanceling Wonderfalls New Kid From Europe Disappoints Classmates By Sucking at Basketball Issue 100 February 14, 2005 Jose Canseco Drafted, Sent To Iraq Bill Belichick Discovers Cure For Locker Room Cancer Ben Roethlisberger Finally Gets Out of Bed, Eats Something Andy Reid Shows Up To Coach NFC Pro Bowl Squad Out of Habit Issue Ninety-Nine February 7, 2005 Adam Vinatieri's Mom Keeps Pointing Out That He Technically Made the Game-Winning Field Goal Again Whoopi Goldberg Hired As Lakers Head Coach NFL Sends Cease and Desist Letter To Owner of "The Superb Owl" Supper Club Paul Tagliabue's State of the NFL Address Interrupted By Applause 74 Times Issue Ninety-Eight January 31, 2005 Eagles Bring In Mr. Miyagi To Fix Terrell Owens' Ankle Bill Belichick Forbids Patriots To Mention Dynasty, Watch "Dynasty" NHL Goons Sent To Police Iraqi Elections New Softball Pants Disturbingly Tight Issue Ninety-Seven January 24, 2005 Tony Parker Joins Cast of "Desperate Housewives" Nation's Conservative Republicans Beside Themselves Over Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl Matchup Sportswriter Scared To Admit He Doesn't Find Maria Sharapova All That Hot NHL Admits Lockout Was Just a Ploy To Skip Right To Playoffs Issue Ninety-Six January 17, 2005 Donovan McNabb's Mom Runs For Two Touchdowns in Win Over Vikings Baseball Announces New Steroids Policy: Steroids To Be Allowed, Encouraged USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett Seen Standing Outside Matt Leinart's Window Holding Up Boombox Randy Johnson Runs Amok in Downtown Manhattan, Brought Down By Old-Timey Airplanes Issue Ninety-Five January 10, 2005 LSU's National Championship Trophy Taken Away, Given To USC Young Sports Fan Wonders Why, Exactly, He Shouldn't Emulate Randy Moss NBA Players Pledge $1,000 Per Illegitimate Child for Tsunami Relief New Number, "Yanktillion," Devised to Refer to Yankees Payroll Issue Ninety-Four January 3, 2005 Mike Tice Justifies Contract Extension By Leading Vikings Triumphantly Into Playoffs Gary Bettman Expects Public to Start Missing Hockey Any Day Now Issue Ninety-Three December 27, 2004 'Porter Person of the Year Significance of Kobe, Shaq Matchup Under-appreciated By Aunts, Grandma Issue Ninety-Two December 20, 2004 Eagles Clinch Another Chance to Break Fans' Hearts in Most Painful Way Possible Barry Zito Now Insisting On Being Called "The Big One" Jeff Gordon's Sexuality Called Into Question by Bumper Sticker Karl Malone Complicates Situation Further By Hitting on Kobe Bryant's Daughter Issue Ninety-One December 13, 2004 Matt Leinart Denies Winning Heisman Trophy to Dolphins, 49ers Major League Baseball Players Union Goes After Hooker to Get Denny Neagle's 40 Bucks Back Mike Tice's Job In Danger as Vikings Look For Bigger, Fatter Coach Other Sportswriters' Sentimental Books Far Less Successful Than Mitch Albom's Issue Ninety December 6, 2004 Remaining Two Black Division I Football Coaches Realize They Can Do Anything They Want Family, Friends Pretend To Be Surprised at Jason Giambi Steroid Revelations BCS Reaches Compromise: Auburn to Get NFC Wild Card Berth Latest "NHL 2005" Video Game Really Boring Issue Eighty-Nine November 29, 2004 Guy At Work Now Denying He Ever Picked Seahawks To Reach Super Bowl NCAA Punter Underwhelmed By Caliber of Groupie He Got This Season One Dude Way Too Invested in Outcome of Pickup Basketball Game Husband Heroically Resists Urge to Critique Wife's Golf Swing Issue Eighty-Eight November 22, 2004 Ron Artest Outburst Shocks This One Lady Who Lives in Montana and Doesn't Follow Basketball "Destiny's Child" Singer Kelly Rowland to Switch Roy Williamses Guy at Work Finds Out Hot Receptionist is From San Antonio, Starts Reading Up on the Spurs 5th Grader Wide Open On, Like, Last Five Plays Issue Eighty-Seven November 15, 2004 Maurice Clarett Alleges Counterfeit Helmet Sticker Operation at Ohio State Ron Artest Demands Not Only a Vacation, But a Wacky Vacation With Chevy Chase Randall Gay Jerseys Not Selling as Well as Patriots Had Hoped Peyton Manning On a Pace to Win as Many Super Bowls as Dan Marino Issue Eighty-Six November 8, 2004 Steelers Get Past Undefeated Eagles, Will Take On Rocky Marciano Next NBA Opens Season, Is Accused of "Showing Off" By NHL Rec League Softball Team Breaks Dreaded "Curse of Steve" Bush Reelected, Expos To Stay the Hell in Canada Issue Eighty-Five November 2, 2004 2004 Election Plunges Into Chaos as Ben Roethlisberger Wins Pennsylvania Tony LaRussa Finally Starting To Look Kind of Old Schilling Endorses Bush, Schilling's Bloody Sock Endorses Kerry High School Football Career Parlayed Into County Commissioner Gig Issue Eighty-Four October 25, 2004 George Stienbrenner Fires Ghost of Babe Ruth Presidential Election To Be Decided Using BCS Format St. Louis Cardinals Reach World Series, Become Slightly More "Storied" Boston Sports Fans Desperately Missing Bruins Hockey Issue Eighty-Three October 18, 2004 Patriots Show Up at Fenway Park, Defeat Yankees 21-3 NFL Will Allow Jake Plummer to Honor Pat Tillman Through Interpretive Dance Scientists, Theologians Debate Existence of 2004 NLCS Local Newspaper Photographer's Roll of Film Mostly Just Same Hot Volleyball Player Issue Eighty-Two October 11, 2004 Bush Adds Yankees to "Axis of Evil" Steelers Fan So Into Ben Roethlisberger That He Now Considers Himself "Bi-Curious" Poor, Pitiful New England Sports Fans Suffer Through Patriots' Record Winning Streak Last Time High School Football Coach Checked, Game Was Four Quarters Long Issue Eighty-One October 4, 2004 Dale Earnhardt, Jr. To Star In "Ghost Dad 2" Twins, Angels Selfishly Opt To Compete In Playoffs LSU Falters In Attempt To Defend Fake National Championship Attempt To Explain American League Playoff Scenarios Leads To New Marriage's First Fight Issue Eighty September 27, 2004 Jewish Red Sox Fan Refuses To Heckle Yankees On Yom Kippur Dolphins Beg Ricky Williams to Come Back, Offer Him "All the Pot He Wants" White Sox Still Better Than Twins, White Sox Feel Olympic Sailing Gold Medalist Sort of Thought He'd Be Recognized Out In Public More Often Issue Seventy-Nine September 20, 2004 Barry Bonds Joins 700 Club, "700 Club" Purchase of Deion Sanders Ravens Jersey Regretted Locked Out NHL Goalie Seen Wandering Around Neighborhood, Asking People If They Need Anything Blocked Really Dumb Guy Looking Forward To "Hustle" On ESPN Issue Seventy-Eight September 13, 2004 Joe Gibbs Surges Ahead of Bush, Kerry In Latest Polls Ricky Williams, Like, Totally Forgets To Watch Dolphins' Opener Japanese Baseball Players Promise More Efficient, Streamlined, Practical Strike Issue Seventy-Seven September 6, 2004 GOP Protesters Get On Wrong Train, End Up at Shea, Beat Mets 5-2 Clubhouse Wall Files Civil Suit Against Kevin Brown Michael Schumacher Revealed To Be the Only Formula One Driver Issue Seventy-Six August 30, 2004 Spain's Inigo Montoya Wins Olympic Fencing Gold Paul Hamm Keeps Gold Medal; Mia Hamm Gives Hers To That Korean Guy NCAA Leaves Flaming Bag of Poop on Mike Williams' Doorstep, Just To Rub It In Iraqi Soccer Team Loses Bronze Medal Game, Tortures Itself Out of Habit Issue Seventy-Five August 23, 2004 Team USA Captures Olympic Football Gold Guy At Work Decides He Could Probably Beat Up Ichiro Little League Star Tests Positive For Boogers USA Men's Basketball Team Now Kind of Hoping al-Qaeda Does Something To the Olympics Issue Seventy-Four August 9, 2004 Life of US Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps Dangerously Low on Adversity, NBC Executives Fear Greg Maddux Becomes First Nerd To Win 300 Games "I Could Have Convinced Top NBA Stars To Play In Olympics," John Kerry Claims Issue Seventy-Three August 2, 2004 Nomar Shocked To Learn His First Name Contains "R" Sound Exhausted Kellen Winslow II Helped Away From Contract Negotiations Stoudemire, James, Iverson Blow Off Team Meeting to See "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" Issue Seventy-Two July 27, 2004 Doping Allegations Intensify as Lance Armstrong Wins Tour de France On Foot Yankees Sign "Jeopardy!" Guy Kirk Gibson Shows Up, Ruins Dennis Eckersley's Hall of Fame Induction Issue Seventy-One July 19, 2004 Athletic Reporter Exclusive: British Open Champ Todd Hamilton Not the Guy From That Gay Movie Al-Qaeda Planning To Attack Gymnastics, Yachting, Equestrian Olympic Teams; Not So Much Boxing, Judo, Pistol Shooting Teams Kobe Buys Shaq's Wife Giant Diamond Ring To Apologize For Running Her Husband Out of Town Issue Seventy July 12, 2004 Lakers Hire Rudy Tomjanovich, Cancel "Kermit Washington Night" Bald Bull Eyes Return To the Ring Issue Sixty-Nine July 5, 2004 Saddam Arrives at Arena From Court Proceedings Just In Time to Lead Baghdad Lakers to Playoff Victory Kevin Mench Wonders If Any of His 242,794 All-Star Voters Were Super-Hot Chicks Andy Roddick Serve Actually Goes Right Through a Guy "Krzyzewski" Pronounced For Wife Issue Sixty-Eight June 28, 2004 Al-Qaeda To Help Complete Olympic Stadium in Athens Brazelton Flirts With No-Hitter, Baldelli Flirts With Uggo Cast of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Hired to Make Fun of Clippers Draft Picks Issue Sixty-Seven June 21, 2004 Lakers Complain About Officiating, Receive Additional Championship Trophy Like Those Canadian Figure Skaters From the Olympics Issue Sixty-Six June 14, 2004 Stanley Cup Retires To Florida Japanese Americans Blindsided, Caught Completely Off Guard By Parcells Comments Al-Qaeda Now Planning To Attack NBA Stars at Home During Olympics, "Just to Screw With 'Em" Fox Network To Air "World Series of Baseball" Issue Sixty-Five June 7, 2004 Smarty Jones Wins National Spelling Bee Governors of California, Michigan Place Friendly Wager on NBA Finals Soccer Movie Hinges on Low Scoring Tie Issue Sixty-Four May 31, 2004 Indianapolis 500 Held Indoors Due To Rain Diamondbacks Announcers Fined By FCC For Referring To Randy Johnson As "The Big Unit" Entire Lakers Team To Arrive From Eagle County Courthouse Just In Time For Tipoff From Now On Guy At Mall Food Court Totally Edgar Renteria Issue Sixty-Three May 25, 2004 Fans, Friends and Family Mourn Sammy Sosa Following Tragic Sneezing Death Weapons of Mass Destruction Found at Kevin Garnett's House Tom Coughlin Presents Single Red Rose to Kurt Kittner During Tearful Finale of "The Quarterback" Issue Sixty-Two May 17, 2004 Kobe Bryant Shows Up At Legal Hearing In Basketball Uniform In Hilarious Mixup Moises Alou's Teammates Not Dropping It Like They Promised They Would Roy Jones, Jr. Receives, Pound-For-Pound, Best Beating In the World Satan Purchases David Stern's Soul In Exchange For Derek Fisher's Shot Going In New NASCAR Schedule Angers Members Of Lowest Tax Brackets Referees Allow Pistons and Nets To Have Game 5 Outside Issue Sixty-One May 10, 2004 Barry Bonds To Play Remainder Of Season In Shrek Outfit Photo of Reggie Miller In Pacers Locker Room Ages Another Couple Years New Record Should Be "Most Home Runs By a Straight Catcher," Piazza Insists San Antonio's Devin Brown Demands Cool Short Nickname Like All the Foreign Guys Have Steinbrenner Orders All Yankee Pitchers To Turn 41 College Student Hopes There's Some Timberwolves Questions On the Final Issue Sixty May 4, 2004 Bush Trades A-Rod To Iraq Jayson Williams Found Not Guilty of Killing That Guy He Killed Minneapolis/St. Paul Metro Area Descends Into Madness Following Timberwolves' First Ever Playoff Series Win NHL To Lockout Early If San Jose, Tampa Bay Face Each Other In Stanley Cup Finals NBA Commemorates 25th Anniversary of Heat/Hornets First Round Playoff Series Pro Wrestler Denied Patent On Finishing Move Issue Fifty-Nine April 26, 2004 Chargers Draft Ryan Leaf's Little Brother Over Peyton Manning's Little Brother Actor Jim Caviezel Now Refusing To Play Anyone Who Wasn't the Best Ever Father Of Junior High Girls Basketball Standout Absolutely Thinks WNBA Will Be Around When She Graduates College Phil Mickelson's Green Jacket Starting To Reek; Wife Begs Him To Take It Off Greg Maddux Diagnosed With "Cub Germs" Guy Actually Believes Newborn Daughter Is a Phillies Fan Issue Fifty-Eight April 19, 2004 Donald Trump, Johnny Damon to Swap Hairdos During Sweeps Garret Anderson Signs Incredibly Boring Contract Extension Mel Kiper, Jr. Resented Heavily Within Draft Guru Community Lakers Hold Switch-Flipping Ceremony Prior to NBA Playoffs New Kid Picked First For Kickball Clearly Can't Handle the Pressure Basketball Fan Had Been Under the Impression That He Was Done With Bill Raftery Issue Fifty-Seven April 12, 2004 Dan Marino Wins Masters, Captures First Major Championship At Long Last Barry Bonds Vows to Break Records of Mays, Ruth, Aaron, Wilt Chamberlain St. Louis Blues Make 25th Consecutive Pointless Playoff Appearance Summer Olympics Moved To Athens, Georgia Connecticut Man Wins Both Men's and Women's NCAA Office Pool Good Basketball Hogged Issue Fifty-Six April 5, 2004 Freshman Sensation LeBron James Leads Cincinnati to NCAA Title in Alternate Reality Detroit Tigers Acquire Ugueth Urbina, Rest of 2003 Marlins Wide Receivers March on Washington for End Zone Celebration Rights Iraqi Olympic Coach Dresses Up as Uday Hussein in Hilarious April Fools Prank Paul Hornung's Comments Attacked With Straight Face By Affirmative Action Proponents Caddying Not Like It Is In "Caddyshack," Reports New Caddy Issue Fifty-Five March 29, 2004 Billy Packer, Phil Martelli Fight To the Death at Halftime of Wake Forest-St. Joseph's Game Steinbrenner Signs Agassi Away From Red Sox Despite Front Office Misgivings Soccer Prodigy Freddy Adu, 14, Already Not Cared About By Majority of Americans Coworkers Fully Aware That Woman Went to Duke and Georgia Tech Todd McFarlane Buys Syringe Barry Bonds Used During 73 Home Run Season Clean-Cut Young White Male Miraculously Wins ESPN's "Dream Job" Issue Fifty-Four March 22, 2004 Alabama, UAB Basketball Teams Arrested, Charged With 2.5 Million Counts of Bracket Busting Fantasy Baseball Enthusiast Fantasizing About Joe Mauer a Little Too Much Keyshawn Johnson, Bill Parcells Tearfully Reunited at Dallas Airport Roommate Swears He's Only Watching Women's Basketball Tournament Because His Cousin Goes to Baylor Laid-Back, Easygoing Philly Fans Looking Forward To Terrell Owens' Antics Basketball Chick Who Turned Back on Flag During Anthem Totally Forgotten About Issue Fifty-Three March 15, 2004 College Basketball Fan Swears Chris Duhon Has Been At Duke For Like 9 Years Todd Bertuzzi Captured In Spider Hole NBA: NCAA Champion To Get Eastern Conference Playoff Berth White Guy at Work Picks Gonzaga For Final Four Again New Girlfriend "On the Bubble" Font Size Shrunken to Limit as Virginia Commonwealth Secures NCAA Tournament Bid Issue Fifty-Two March 8, 2004 Kobe Bryant Whistled For Foul; Lawyers Demand To Know Referee's Sexual History Guy Walking By Team Headquarters Installed As Broncos New Running Back Pro Wrestler Denied Patent On Finishing Move DVD Version of 2003 ALCS To Be Released With Alternate Ending ESPN Classic Passes Yet Another Clippers-Free Week 109 Percent Given Issue Fifty-One March 1, 2004 Jason Giambi Claims He Lost All That Weight "Washing Jeff Kent's Truck" Athens To Begin Olympic Preparations "In Just a Minute" Knicks, Rangers Fire Wilkins, Sather; Teams To Be Coached By Fan Chants Terrell Owens, Jeff Garcia Married At San Francisco City Hall 76ers Score Not Checked During Oscar Party Accenture Match Play World Championship Office Pool Fails To Generate Much Interest Issue Fifty February 23, 2004 Colorado Tourism Board Unveils New "Come to Colorado: You Probably Won't Get Raped By an Athlete" Campaign Yankees Sign "She Bangs" Guy From "American Idol" Vijay Singh Marries Swedish Blonde Way Hotter Than Tiger's Fiancee NBA Postpones Sunday's Games In Honor of "Sex and the City" Finale NFL General Manager Secretly Has No Clue What "Franchise Player" Means NFL Introduces New Rule; Teams Must Now Interview At Least One White Cornerback Before Drafting Black Guy Issue Forty-Nine February 16, 2004 Barry Bonds Shrivels Down to 114 Pounds Following Trainer's Steroid Bust Cheers Gang Pulls Elaborate "A-Rod to Yankees" Prank on Sam Malone NASCAR Fan Suffers Through Death-Free Daytona 500 Lennox Lewis Gets First Retirement Out of the Way Kenyon Martin's Posse Wins "Posse Game" During All-Star Festivities Madden 2004 Enthusiast Way Too Proud of Made Up Team Issue Forty-Eight February 9, 2004 New Russian Film "Mirakøl" Chronicles 1972 Olympic Basketball Upset Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson, Four Others Voted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame Massachusetts Supreme Court Upholds Maurice Clarett's Right to Gay Marriage Joe Montana's Wife Now Comparing Tom Brady to Joe Montana Janet Jackson's Boob Gets Own CBS Sitcom NFL To Leave Ray Lewis Miked Up 24/7 Issue Forty-Seven February 2, 2004 Adam Vinatieri Kicks Winning Field Goal, Ascends To Heaven Pudge Admits He Began Negotiations With Tigers As a Cruel Hoax, Then Fell In Love Young Sports Fan Without Cable Celebrates Weekend of Boobs and Swearing NASCAR Fans Protest New Points System; Need "Book Learnin'" To Follow It, Detractors Claim Straight Guy "Shushed" During Super Bowl Commercial "Friends" Finale Shocker: Rachel Hooks Up With Peja Stojakovic Issue Forty-Six January 26, 2004 Patriots Getting Tons of Respect, Doubted By No One New Rangers GM Isiah Thomas Trades For Jaromir Jagr Howard Dean Debuts "Grappling Governor" Character at WWE Royal Rumble New Jersey Nets Moved to Brooklyn, Stolen Kobe Bryant Plays Utah Jazz, Race Card With No Football, Desperate Gambler Bets on Australian Open Issue Forty-Five January 19, 2004 Tom Brady Wins AFC Title, Iowa Caucus Michael Jordan Comes Out of Retirement To Pitch For Houston Astros John McEnroe Admits To Taking "Least Effective Steroids Ever" Husband Convinces Wife "Along Came Polly" Looks Good, She Sees It, He Watches Playoffs in Peace Michelle Wie Receives Congratulatory Phone Call From Roman Polanski Whiny Malcontent Lakers Fan Has Nightmare Where He Roots For Hawks, Wakes Up Grateful Issue Forty-Four January 12, 2004 Pete Rose Demands Hall of Fame Plaque: "Me Wants the Precious," Hisses All-Time Hit King Recent World Champion Signs Baseball's Best Player, No One Cares Redskins Bring Back Joe Gibbs, Bears Bring Back Cardboard Cutout of George Halas Electric Football Christmas Present Stashed In Closet, Forgotten About Coworker Actually Brags About Being Good at Tetherball Cardinals' Hiring of Dennis Green Creates Perfect Storm of Sports Hatred For Vikings Fan Issue Forty-Three January 5, 2004 Following Favre's Inspirational Performances, Manning's Teammates Convince Him His Dad Died Pete Rose Admits To Betting On Baseball, Yao Ming Admits To Being Tall LSU Celebrates Not Having To Play USC College Basketball Fan Still Wants To Call It "Pennzoil at the Half" Newlywed Husband Warned Wife About NFL Playoffs Spazzy, Unathletic Son Gets Sports Stuff For Christmas Again Issue Forty-Two December 29, 2003 2003 'Porter Person of the Year Michael Finley Not Arrested Sister's New Fiancee Throws Weird Gen-Xer Disappointed In Real-Life "All Valley Karate Championship" White Sox Fan Jealous of Red Sox Fans Twins Fan Celebrates 50th Viewing of "Little Big League" On Showtime Craig Ehlo Really Hoping Michael Jordan Stays Retired This Time Issue Forty-One December 22, 2003 MLB Players' Union Voids A-Rod's Cell Phone Contract Eagle County D.A. To Load Jury With Celtics Fans Eight-Year-Old Not Fooled By Dad's Tales of "Dennis Rodman" YES Network To Debut Saturday Morning Program "Yankee Babies" Pete Rose Inducts Himself Into Pete Rose Hall of Fame ESPN's "SportsCentury and Beyond" Clearly Running Low On Ideas Oakland Woman Not Sure If She's Dating Mulder, Hudson or Zito Issue Forty December 15, 2003 Saddam Arrested At Arizona Cardinals Game; Former Dictator Figured "No One Ever Comes To Those" Rasheed Wallace Blasts NBA As "Unfair To Psychotic Potheads" "Coyotes Shut Down Dallas" Headline In Newspaper Prompts Concerned Call From Grandmother Fantasy Football Owner Rests Starters For Playoffs Oklahoma's Jason White Finishes Third In Heisman Voting, Awarded Trophy Anyway Issue Thirty-Nine December 8, 2003 Baylor Sues BCS For Sugar Bowl Berth: "We Lost To Kansas State By 28 Points, Too," Say Bears Kim Clijsters Buys, Moves To Deserted Pacific Island; Will Play For Nation Of "Fila" In 2004 Olympics Athlete Clearly Misunderstands the Definition of "Literally" David Stern $2 Short At Burger King, Fines Mark Cuban $2 Running Back Delights White Sportscasters By Handing Ball To Official After Scoring Patrick Ewing, Jr. Highlight On Sports Center Leads 28-Year-Old To Ponder Own Mortality Issue Thirty-Eight December 2, 2003 Michael Jackson Molests John Madden's Thanksgiving "Turducken" Frank Solich Explains Inferior Record: "Nebraska Nothing But White People," Fired Coach Says Marvin Lewis Hired To Coach Los Angeles Clippers Annual Backyard Snow Football Game Rendered Awkward By New Step-Cousin Girlfriend Unimpressed By Stephon Marbury Sighting At Airport Bobby Knight Awfully Quiet Lately Modified Stableford Scoring Applied to Blind Date Issue Thirty-Seven November 24, 2003 Keyshawn Johnson Cleans Out Locker, Forgets Notebook Jay-Z Buys New Jersey Nets, Renames Them New Jizzle Nizzle Olympics To Allow Transsexuals By 2004; "Rogette Clemens" Tries Out For US Softball Team Dolphins' Orange Jerseys Cause Aging Bruce Smith To Think He's Playing Clemson Purdue Fan Can't Help Picturing Sex With Gene Keady Bill Romanowski Tests Positive For Everything Issue Thirty-Six November 17, 2003 President Bush Makes Bengals' Chad Johnson White House Press Secretary Estate of "Gentleman Jim" Corbett Sues Stallone over "Rocky" Movies Garry Kasparov Defeats Chess Computer By Pouring Diet Coke On Keyboard Japanese Bomb Pearl Harbor Again In Retaliation For Matsui Snubs MLB Gets Tough, Does Away With Take-Home Steroid Tests ESPN's Chris Berman Running Out Of Clever Nicknames, Now Just Putting "Sch-" In Front Of Player's Name Issue Thirty-Five November 11, 2003 Matt Suhey Named American League Rookie of the Year George O'Leary Takes Vikings Defensive Coordinator Job Off Resume Super-Intelligent Computers From the Future Overthrow Mankind; Still Can't Agree On Who Should Be #2 In BCS Standings Chance "Field of Dreams" Viewing Leads To 20-Minute Tirade About James Earl Jones Not Being Nominated For Oscar NBA Rookie Better At PlayStation Basketball Than Actual Basketball Peyton Manning Gets 25-To-Life For Mooning Incident Issue Thirty-Four November 3, 2003 Several Dead, Thousands Left Homeless As Kobe/Shaq Feud Rages Across Southern California Al Davis Fires Raiders Players; Scary-Looking Raiders Fans To Play Season's Last Eight Games Chess Club At Jock's New High School Refreshingly Stereotypical Babe Ruth Now Haunting Individual Red Sox Fans LeBron James' Successor Completes Potty Training High School Football Coach Misses Point Of "Radio," Fields Team Of Retards Issue Thirty-Three October 27, 2003 Yankees Beat Marlins In World Series; Athletic Reporter Purchased By George Steinbrenner "Do the Bartman" Song, Video Ruined For Chicagoland "Simpsons" Fan Eagle County D.A. To Load Jury With Celtics Fans Baseball Scoreboard Operator Puts Third "K" Really Far Away From First Two Fisticuffs Erupt At Bullfight Weigh-In Jackass Who Plays Ironically Wins Weekly NFL Pool Issue Thirty-Two October 20, 2003 Chicago Cubs "Punk'd" Madden 2004 Featured On "Sports Illustrated" Cover, Entire NFL Dies All Of New England Despondent Over U.S. Women's World Cup Soccer Loss Dolphins Bully, Haze Marlins For Making Them Keep Infield Dirt In Place Grady Little Moves Into Bill Buckner's Idaho Home Sister's New Fiancee Throws Weird Issue Thirty-One October 13, 2003 Pedro Martinez Beats Up Don Zimmer, Pope, Wilford Brimley Kansas City's Dante Hall Returns Five Consecutive Birthday Gifts Gus Frerotte Continues To Fill In For Culpepper During Bye Week Nomar Milk Carton Hits Boston Supermarket Shelves Mike Holmgren, Craig Stadler Pull Off Hilarious "Parent Trap"-Style Switcheroo McNabb, Eagles Fall To Cowboys; Nation Apologizes To Rush Limbaugh Issue Thirty October 6, 2003 Tommy Maddox, He Hate Me Inducted Into XFL Hall of Fame Kurt Warner Traded To Cowboys By His Wife Kwame Brown Misses Kwame Brown Trivia Question Brian Urlacher, Paris Hilton To Produce World's Most Overrated Baby Husband Points Out Doug Mientkiewicz's Thinning Hair To Wife Craig Ehlo Really Hoping Michael Jordan Stays Retired This Time Issue Twenty-Nine September 29, 2003 Bill Parcells Detained By Meadowlands Security Staff, Forced To Come Back and Coach Jets Joe Paterno Mad At Officials For Bad Calls, Grandkids for Not Calling Ted Williams Thawed, Resurrected, Placed On Yankees Post-Season Roster Cubs, Red Sox Ban Sports Illustrated Photographers From Coming Anywhere Near Them Sean Salisbury Kicks John Clayton's Ass In ESPN Parking Lot Fantasy Baseball Loser Claims East Coast Bias Issue Twenty-Eight September 22, 2003 Maurice Clarett Petitions Hall of Fame For Early Entry Red Sox Place Ben Affleck On Fan Waivers Oscar De La Hoya, Al Davis Sue Each Other "Gay Met" Rumor Really Died Down After Alomar Trade, Realizes Baseball Fan Atlanta Braves Clinch 2003, 2004 NL East Titles Tonya Harding Arrested In Kobe Bryant Case, D.A. "Just Covering His Bases" Issue Twenty-Seven September 15, 2003