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Bush Sidesteps Potential Confirmation Fight By Nominating Lance Armstrong to Supreme Court Originally posted 7/25/2005 |
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"Lance Armstrong is one of the most wildly popular and inspirational men in America," Bush said as he introduced Armstrong as his nominee Tuesday. "You can't really say anything bad about him without looking like a jackass. Lots of luck, suckers!" The 33-year-old Armstrong, who won his record-setting seventh consecutive Tour de France on Sunday, has no legal experience but is beloved and revered nationwide for his courageous battle to overcome cancer and dominate the sport of cycling. Also, as Bush pointed out Tuesday, "it doesn't hurt that he's been sticking it to the Frenchies for almost a decade." "Now that my competitive cycling career is over, I look forward to this new chapter in my life, "said Armstrong, clutching a copy of Jurisprudence for Dummies that he'd been given by the president moments earlier. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of studying up to do." Armstrong then handed out several dozen plastic yellow "Livestrong" bracelets to the assembled press before leaving the White House. "I don't know what we're going to do now," said Tom Matzzie of MoveOn.org after learning of Armstrong's nomination. "We were prepared for almost anybody -- I've got a big paper mache puppet of Emilio Garza with red horns and a three-pointed fork, and some pamphlets with Janice Rogers Brown having sex with Hitler on the cover -- but I'm not sure we can campaign against Lance Armstrong. Everybody already knows how he's been accused of doping for years and how after his wife saw him through his battle with cancer he dumped her for Sheryl Crow, and nobody seems to care. People mostly just think Sheryl Crow's awesome." |
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